The entire year of 2008 was a lesson for me....and so far, that lesson has spilled over into 2009. I found out that it was really easy for me to flow in everyday life when circumstances around me made some sense. It wasn't that I didn't have challenges...I did. But somehow, they all seemed to make sense to me - they fell into a pattern of some big picture that I felt God had for my life; maybe He was teaching me patience, or testing my faith, or showing me the pitfalls of pride, you know? My life was under control - and I liked it that way.
Then one day, one ordinary every-day like any other, everything went to pieces. I lost a much-desired pregnancy in my fourth month. Just when I was getting that rosy glow of pregnancy....just when I was thanking Him that I had gone past that magic three-month marker when the highest percentage of miscarriages occur....just when I was starting to dream of the nursery..holding the baby, enjoying that sweet baby smell....
Just then, everything went to pieces.
It did not make sense. How could God allow this to happen to me? Nobody in my family had ever had a miscarriage before. It only happened to other people, it didn't happen to me. It was a horrible tragedy...I felt like my life was over, and when I looked at my poor little baby - lying there lifeless and small enough to fit the palm of my hand, my heart broke....I heard it myself, shattering into a million little pieces.
And I knew....I just knew it could never be repaired. And the sun would never shine again.
To be continued...